BAKER

The days when I liked baking are long gone.  I guess that is why the cake ended up in the garbage.
Like my grand daughter said "we should do things we like doing whatever that may be."  Dad is happiest with his store bought cookies so I am thankful for that.

The morning had started with a terrible fit if coughing that lasted for about 30 minutes.  You panic because you feel like you cannot breath.  Then I get the flour, eggs etc out to do my baking when I get a distressed call form our friend who had returned unhappily from the Seniors home.  I quickly throw together a cake that I see a beautiful picture of; mainly because I could not find my old stand by cookie recipe. 

We rush off to hear her story and make tea and leave feeling she is feeling better.  But I have gotten over-hungry and miserable so I quickly start cooking and I burn the carrots.  I lie down on the bed to read and rest and although I am really tired I cannot fall asleep. actually my heart is racing and I go down and throw my cake out; after giving dad a taste and he suggested just buying cookies.

I am worried about forgetting things and about losing things.

So I will have my toast and coffee and say a prayer and try making the cookies.  I will buy some gluten-free cookies as I am not going to battle with them.  Yes, there is another man who has celiac who will be at the meeting to-night.  I will take some grapes and Christmas oranges and maybe cheese and crackers.
But I will give it another try this afternoon.

PLANNING

Dad laughs and I planned, if I don't I will forget something that is important.  How do I keep some sense of the spiritual when I barely have time to pray except on my walk?  It is not about finding time it is about being quiet and taking time to be aware of the presence of the Lord.  I will dig out some Christmas music to help me as I do some minor baking today.  It is my turn to take something to home group.

So this week I will finish the cards, write my Christmas devotional [actually rewrite it].  Wed. is going to the hospital with dad to get his cortisone shots in his knees, which have been so much better, although it seems the skating make them worse.  Then maybe we will drop over to see Shirley as she is trying out the Seniors Home for several days.  I am sure it will be decorated very beautifully.  She was very excited packing her bag and getting ready to go.  I think she has been bored as well as lonely.

Thursday I will do visiting at the Newton Regency but another friend has moved out and although they had Christmas singers there on Saturday there is a coldness about the place now.  At least I feel sad and strange when I go there now. It used to be a happy place even with old the old dears wandering about or sitting sleeping.  I knew the staff and they knew me.

Friday is Tavia's birthday and I have a card which I hope I do not lose.  Our bread knife has now gone missing but dad must have put it in a strange place.  I hope.  Saturday I will help at the craft fair at the church and Sunday we have a pot luck dinner for our study group that are studying Karen Armstrong's book about God.  This is very heavy reading and I have been putting it off.

Yesterday I bought a new red top so that is my Christmas finery.

For now I am pondering how to take an age old story that I love with all it's mystery and wonder and make it something that impacts our lives today.  Certainly the world has not changed in that war and poverty and disasters are happening all around us.

Change is hard for anyone of us.  I will continue with my planning.

THE UNEXPECTED

Most of the time we do what is expected of us in our day to day life.  This brings a stability to our relationships and everyone is reasonably happy.  This tree started out to live a long life and it certainly grew to a huge size but now it's beauty is being a stump.  There comes a time when expectations change and it is time for new growth.  My writing this Christmas is all about change.  Mary and Joseph had their lives completely changed and even their relationship to each other was in great danger  I believe that is was devastating for both of them..

When a woman becomes pregnant it brings new challenges into the couples lives.  Emotionally and physically the woman's body is changing and seems to have a life of it's own.  A time when one needs to be treated with thoughtfulness and gentleness.  This is only the beginning of what happens as a couple are forced to change over the many years that lie ahead.   One day I will be feeling great and dad has his aches and pains causing him discomfort.  We give each other advice but really there are no answers.

A doctor can help find out what the problem is but we are the ones that have to change our lifestyle, by changing diet and activities and expectations.  The choice is ours.

I am reading a funny story about a dog who cause a lot of havic in the family situation.  In many ways this dog rules the young couples lives.  Now they are expecting a baby and are worried about hos the dog will re-act.  But first they have to find a nanny as both will return to work.  After many interviews they find one that seems so perfect shy check her referrences.  They think all is settled until dog meets nanny and has a violent reaction to the nanny. 

After things settle down and they decide they will not be able to hire her a sixth sense tells them to check her references.  They find out this woman was a seasoned con artist with a criminal record.  Fortunately they had found out the truth.  And yes through a friend they did find a warm and genuine nanny but dreaded the meeting of dog and woman.  This time the dog danced around her with obvious joy and enthusiasm.

It seems dogs are a good judge of character.  We can learn a lot from dogs and also from our children.  Both come into our lives with their own personalities and wreak havoc in our neatly ordered days.

This time of year presents different expectations which may or may not be met. 

When I get overtired now I find that I do not sleep well.  This week end was tiring as we stayed out later going to see Stuart McLean with Ben and Carol.  Great fun!  You would think I would sleep in but instead was up even earlier.

I am glad we do not have too much planned for Dec. but a few parties here and there.  Christmas day will be quiet I expect.

CANDLES

The candles are lit as the day begins to darken.  The table which had been cluttered with Christmas cards has been transformed by being uncluttered.

My back is aching, my asthmatic cough starts up again, and my brian is so weary but I am so happy to be fineshing up my card writing and my Christmas letters.  I have made two, one just a few facts and the other the spiritual blessings of Christmas.  I wonder who wants to see my writings?  It is important to be positive and yet honest.

We spent the morning goggling healyh information which is very handy thing to have.  Especially when uou go to the doctor and forget to ask questions probably because you do not know the questions to ask.

The coolies did get made and taken over to the Nursing Home.  Also dropped by Shirley's but she was not home.  Came home and skyped Kenny.  Saw Jasmine waking up from her nap and Matthew climbing and going in and out of the room.

Theresa phoned looking for her mother so she can drop off Ben who is going with us to see Stuart Mclean in Vancouver.  We pan to go our for pizza's but . . . . .did not have time.  Had time for only a grilled cheese sandwich and soup.  Both Carol and Panteli have very bad coughs and Panteli stayed home as he was really feeling miserable.

Ben was so happy and excited and laughed alot through the whole show.

The stage was lit by a Christmas tree and lots of candles.  The musuc was exceptional, especially the stand up base.  We were very tired after the drive home but also very happy.

The candle lit in church today was a red cancle for hope.

Jesus was born into a very hopeless situation with his country under foreign rule.

DARK CLOUDS

Dark Clouds mark a change in the weather and stormy weather can cause many problems in our lives.
The news about North Korea  attaching South Korea is very disturbing.  The paper shows the destruction left by the artillery shells and this action is unsettling for all the world.  Gone are the days when war just involved one nation against another but now the whole balance of the hope for peace is shaken.

I am reminded of a small child who declares everything is "mine" and says "no" to everything. 

I wish that we could all learn to get along even with people who irritates and frustrate us.  Like many other things in life this takes emotional energy and commitment.  I know that the only person I can change is myself but this can be transforming and life changing for me.  In life I know that often I have let petty emotions ruin my day and I strive to be more patient and more understanding.  Humor helps if we laugh at ourselves and with others.

QUESTION MARKS

I find the more you think you know the more questions come to you.

Dad and I mumbled as we set off on a snowy late afternoon to see the specialist.  Just a waste of time.= we agreed.  Confident that if there was any bad news we would have heard.  And we were right.  I had good results on my tests and the only think they found out that the hole in my heart, we are all born with, had not completely closed.  My first re-action was to say "O that explains why I have always tired easily!"  Not so I was told.  Since I had had no problems, one thing it can cause is a stroke, so far then it really is not a problem.  The doctor did not say much and I did not think of the questions I should ask.  I came home with questions going around im my thoughts.  I felt better after we looked it up on goggle.

The doctor's answer for was my shortness of breath comes back to asthma and I should take my puffer on my walk for when I get short of breath.  I have no intention of doing that, taking my cell phone is enough to carry.

My day has not yet been formed although I have several ideas.  I want to read my book about Mary and learn about her role in history.  Dad is right not much is said in the Bible but she becomes very important in the days after Jesus dies.

QUIETLY

The moon was very big and bright a few nights ago but last night the sky was covered in snow clouds.
Quietly during the night the snow has been falling.  This morning the world is white again and the white snow brings a brightness of it's own.  I love the stillness that comes with the snow

Our study at the church was on attitude and it was my turn to lead.  I was so happy to see that we all made it this time. Happy just to see their faces and hear their ideas.  It is am intimate group because we have shared so much over the years and a noisy group because we all like to talk.  We are busy with family and next time we meet we will be wrapping up Christmas goodies for the hampers; and we bring food for the food bank so we contribute in our small ways to others, and to each other by listening and caring.

I am looking forward to walking in the falling snow but right now am feeling a little tired.  Coffee and toast should perk me up.

Dad will be getting another cortisone shot next week in his knee.  He had a good visit with his doctor and had the results of his knee M.R.I. ; some loose stuff floating around.  Hard to operate on successfully..  I wonder why so many people have knee problems.

I am off to get the results of my breathing and my heart today which should be a nothing appointment,  The doctor is one of those serious types, a little blunt.It is funny I would have liked to have know right after I did my tests but now I think it is a waste of time.  I know I am healthy except for the celiac.

REFLECTION

The sun has returned and both dad and I went for walks.  I expected that there would be snow this morning but it is on the way.  I am happy the birds have finally discovered the bird seed we are putting out, the main reason we went to the Super Store.

I am starting to reflect on the meaning of this season of the year for me at my time in life.  I am looking forward to our family gathering early in Dec.  In the past there has been a fair amount of stress but I always hope that love is reflected in all I try to do.  The plan was for it to be at our house and then it canged with Theres saying she would have it and now it is back here.

The Christmas story reminds me of how I need to be open to change and open to the Spirit that visits unexpectedly. 

I went to visit Shirley and it is amazing how one story leads to another.  She is facing a major change moving into care but she is lonely and although she is doing much better finds she is too confined and not able to get out more.  I am continually learning new things about her.  I come home and dad tells how a strange man sat with him at Zeller's where he went for coffee and began telling him all about his life.  In the end he realized this man mistook him for someone else.

Today dad gets the results of his knee M.R.I. and thankful his knees seem better most of the time.

I am reflecting on the story of the birth of Jesus and I think that the changes to the life of Joseph and Mary where overwhelming.  Was she happy and excited to tell Joseph she was pregnant only to be met with anger and rejection.  Jesus came into a world of darkness and this world is still full of tragedy and darkness.  His light comes to hearts, one by one, who welcome it and are willing to do what they can to change their world.

CHILLY

Chilly skies made for a shorter walk, mainly because of the wind.  Today I will wear a scarf for sure and all my warm clothes.  Dad also had a short walk deciding not to try the hockey although it feels like hockey weather.  Got tired out doing a big shopping at the Super Store; I find having to check to see if there is any wheat a real nuisance.  Now I have no excuse not to cook. 

According to the newspaper I am more of less doing the right thing to keep healthy, exercise, volunteer, enjoy family and friends.  Today I may go visiting or I may do a short Christmas letter but do not feel inspired but writing cards is hard work if you have to write little messages in each one.  I defenitely need to get some stamps.

The wonder and excitment of Christmas is now replaced with thankfulness!

NEW LIFE

A new beginning.  I started early this morning when I heard the neighbor start his car around 4 and I was so thankful to be home in a warm bed and not have to go off to work.  I caught a glimpse of the paper lady and she looks very old as she shuffles carefully house to house.  I would not want her to fall as she delivers our paper.  I am thankful for her and the good job she is doing, out in the cold so early in the morning.

One thing I love about this year is decorating the house with branches from my yard and from around the neighborhood.  There is something that feels old-fashioned and satisfying.  I remind myself if I am feeling stressed it is because of the expectations I myself put on myself.  I am already starting to break and drop things, like my favorite butter dish etc.  I look at the broken pieces and think about times in my life when I have felt like a broken mess.  I also think about all the precious memories of the past that have me to mend and feel renewed joy!

Religion can take the joy out of life or can bring new deeper joy into life with the promise of healing and new beginnings.  The spiritual music awakens the soul and when I balance music with silence I find there is a deeper meaning hidden in all we do as I prepare my heart for the tasks ahead.

Baby Jesus brings me to my knees with wonder as I hear the angels sing for me!

SNOWFLAKES

Snowflakes on a bare tree early in the morning of Saturday. 

Silently and softly during the dark night the snowflakes have found new homes and covered the ground with a blanket of pure white.  It is unbelievable to think of each snowflake as different.  I take out my little Snowflake book to look at the beautiful pictures and read some facts.  Like, the most symmetrical crystals are found during light snowfalls, with little wind, when the weather is especially cold.  Snowflakes can have six branches or twelve but never eight.  Snowflakes are crystallized forms of ice with many shapes and some looking like stars.

A symmetrical snowflake is not a raindrop, but rather a single crystal of ice that grows directly from water vapor in the air.  The process takes about fifteen minutes, as the snowflake slowly drifts to earth.

"Nature will bear the closest inspection.
She invites us to lay our eyes down level with her smallest leaf
and take an insect view of its plain."
-Henry David Thoreau

I love walking in the snow and seeing the beautiful patterns it makes on trees.  Many people are out shoveling and children are out playing.  It is Saturday morning and Oliver will be returning from his surfing adventure and be back at work next week.

Dad and I head off to the library for some light reading.  lol

Let's see listed below are the books I took out:
God's Problem,   about pain and suffering, 
Startling Beauty,   a journey from rape to restoration,
Mary Madeline,   a visionary figure who was fully immersed in the mystical teachings that
shaped Jesus' own teachings and a woman who was a religious master in her own right.
Last but certainly not least a wordy tome on The Mother of God, A history of the virgin Mary.

Walking in the snow makes we feel like a child again full of wonder and delight.  My walk had changed from seeing the fall deaves dancing and twirling to see the quiet beauty of the snow all around
A 420 page book about how and wqhy Mary became important, as important as Jesus to some, over the years after the death of her son..

Off to Gracepoint Church.

DREAMER

This tree was capture last week on a beautiful fall day as I walked down to Scottsdale.  Today the road and sidewalk is covered in the pure beauty of white snow.  Dad will be so happy to take the car out to go to the library.  At last he waited all last year for a good snowfall to test his car and now we will be the ones sailing by those crawling up slippery roads.  His dream come true! 

I will go for a walk as usual but being careful as I travel.  I am reminded that as we journey through life it is good to walk with care and with wisdom.  I need to be aware of places where it is unsafe and yet take time to enjoy the beauty all around me.

We watch a show about Calliope  and again the ugliness of war and violence is portrayed; but woven into the story is the bond of friendship between the four Australian boys.  One sacrifices his own life for the life of another.  Love is a strong emotion that includes empathy, devotion, compassion, equality, forgiveness, patient grace, stirring up the best in our human souls.  So much of life demands more than we can dream, it is like when you leave home, or get married, or have children means risking your own happiness for that of others.

Immortality of the human soul is one of my dreams that I will be able to see my loved ones again.  My deam is that they are in a better place of safety and beauty and joy. 

"Water cannot wet it, wind cannot dry it, fire cannot burn it, weapons cannot shatter it.  The human soul beyond space and time and does not die."
A chant by the Vedic priests.

Jesus promised to be a door opener for each one of us, to a better life here and a better life beyond this world.  Faced with closed doors in our lives we know that what we need is a key!  Jesus!

But for this morning faced with the snow I need a shovel!

BOOK ENDS

I find that Fridays and Mondays are like book ends that are free days when I have nothing planned each week.  This is especially good at this time of the year because it seems like there is a lot that needs doing.  I know I will panic when the first Christmas card arrives.

I did not feel like a walk yesterday morning with the weather so unpredictable, but I managed a shorter walk between the hail storm and the pouring rain.  It seemed like a good day to stay home but knowing that there may be someone expecting my Thursday visit I drove over to the Nursing Home.  I was glad I went as Heather shared she was being asked to move and she was feeling very discouraged.  She was sitting outside a big woman in a big wheel-chair having a smoke, a woman separated from her husbamd who livees in the States, a woman with big problems.

It dawns on me how much prayer helps me in my visiting to be patient and understanding.  I remind myself it is not the cheerful words or the listening ear but just my presence can be a blessing.  I cannot imagine how it must feel to have had a stoke or a broken hip or just not able to care for yourself, I cannot imagine how that must feel.

Most of us are fortunate that even when our lives become existentially burdened we can choose to read a book, watch T.V. or work around the house or just sit in silence and meditate.  Silence is a good and safe refuge when it opens us up to inspiration and frees us from even our own expectations of what we should be doing or thinking. 

Laughing with others is a wonderful way to brighten up the day and all our spirits.  I go to visit with a few funny stories from my day to day misadventures.  My wonder cream that would make me look 10 years younger result in a terrible itch that told me I was doomed to carry on with the signs of aging on my face.

Books are an important part of my life and influence my thoughts and my writing.  The book ends also remind me that life is about duty and pleasure and learning and reading.

When I am with someone who is full of complaints I realize how easy it is to go through my days grumbling inside myself and feeling critical. 

Today I am planning to meet Jane for lunch, and maybe our husbands will join us, and then we will go visiting.  Plans may change but dad and I will go to White Rock to Choices.  The weather is getting colder and the rain harder so snow may be arriving soon.  It has already hit many places here across Canada.  Winter has come and it is time to get the boots and mittens out.

Clear, calm, and cold and snow is in the air.  Tiny little snow flakes!

SEA OF LEAVES

The dark overcast clouds are lifted away like magic and the sun appears.  The leaves that been doing a dance in the wind now settle down quiet and still.
The grass is completely covered in a sea of leaves blown from all directions.  The wind that blows the leaves also blows spiritual beliefs in all directions.
The calming warmth of the sun changes the whole day.  My morning walk had been battling the wind and the rain but now life takes on a new perspective.  In the stillness there is a sense of timelessness and peacefulness.
All of life seems to be like this day, one moment full of struggles a broken tooth, a leaking bathroom, plans for the future changed but all a part of daily life; then you find that where ever you are is where you were meant to be and all is well.

Holiness is being aware of all that is happening around you and seeing the potential for an inner change. 

"It's much easier to find holiness in the ideal of God, the loving all-powerful, omniscient God of the Universe who never slumbers or sleeps; than it is to find holiness in the God who is silent in the face of suffering and death and disease and terror and war and genocide and natural disaster."

"But that is our challenge. 
To find holiness and faith in this broken, breath taking world."
from -Hope Will Find You by Naomi Levy

GOOD NEWS

Yesterday was an exceptionally happy visit with Shirley as she had so much good news to share.  It is wonderful to have good news and it is even better to have some one to share it with.  She is doing so much better, getting stronger and able to walk with a cane.  It was a lovely sunny morning so she had walked outside which is amazing.  She had several good news phone calls. she can stay as a visiter at the Sensiors Centre where she has friends, Howard and Vera for five days free to see if she likes it,  she is looking forward to doing this.  The new minister phoned to say he was coming for a visit and she was excited about that.  The Vets. phoned with some good news about extra support if she moves into care.  She has decided she will be doing this in the new year, a big decision.

She was so thrilled to share all her news with me.  We need things to look forward to with happy anticipation and expectation.  Shirley was brought up with four brothers and sisters and she loves being around people; so it is hard for her to be stuck in the house.  She loves to hear what has been going on in my life which I try to make interesting and funny.

It is nice when we can surprise people with the unexpected.

I always envied fiends with bigger families, especially if they had a sister.  I had thought I would like 6 children but found my 4 a handful!  I can remember the day each was placed in my arms and I thought how perfect they were.  They have continued to surprise and delight me even when they annoy me and with all their different ways.

I was the thoughtful child in our house while Brian was the talker and risk taker.  He got into far more trouble than I did, which took some of the attention from me.  My main things is that I was always losing things which I am getting even better at now.

Today I have the U.C.W. meeting and dad may try hockey again.  I may leave early from my meeting to go with him but I am not sure.

STORMY WEATHER

Monday morning, first came the heavy rain and then came the wild blasts of wind.  Dad set out for the hockey rink to have another try at skating.  I wrapped up two small parcels for Australia and when it stopped raining and calmed down a bit I took them to the Post Office.  Next I took some warm clothing to the Fire Station drop just as the fire truck came roaring out.  I was glad to have these two things accomplished.

Tuesday.
Bad night had a very itchy face and head.  I think it is a new cleanser I am trying.  I will give it to Sandra as it is wonderful but it has wheat proetin in it.

Marriage has it's stormy weather!  For two young things moving from home and family and friends to a strange place with little money and worries right away life was not easy. I know I was very lonely and dad had the worry of his job and a family on the way.  We had a traditional "gender role" marriage relationship with lots of stress and anxiety.  I think that a relationship built on trust can survive the unexpected stormy times.

Marriage is unpredictable and there will be times of emotional fulfillment and times of emptiness,  Life in general takes courage, willingness, forgiveness, loyalty and acceptance.  We learn more about ourselves and more about each other but it ain't easy.  Making yourself vulnerable to another person opens you up to experiencing the pain of disappointment and frustration but we discover emotional fulfillment by caring and sharing.
This is my second go at writing this because I guess I forgot to save it or publish or something.  I am sure I wrote it much better the first time, O well.

TWILIGHT

It many ways I find that I am in those twilight years of life when there is a concern for the state of the world yet a knowledge that while one can rant and rave the only thing I can do is find peace and healing for my own soul.  Twilight is those brief moments between daylight and darkness and now for me it is a time to enjoy a quieter life-style.

I had spend the weekend doing what I love curled up in a chair reading and browsing through books.  First at the Second Hand Store then over to Chapters where people where bustling about picking up books to take advantage of the sale.  Even there I was able to find a quiet corner.

Reading produces in me a sense of pure joy as I discover life through the eyes of another.  Time has no meaning as I get lost in another world.

Dad and I travelled to Tsswassen Sunday evening when I took this picture and twilight had passed and darkness had it's way.  We missed going out to see Ban and Morgan play their games but it did not work out this time.  Twilight, for me, is that time of day when you've done all you can and it is time to enjoy the simple pleasure of a T.V. show, a warm bath and a snuggle in bed.  It is not the time to start the mind questioning and searching but to put it to bed too!  Amazing grace!

A SPARK

A cold morning for a walk in the park by myself.  When I started out there where several families and people with dogs but within five minutes there is only me.  I soon turned around and headed back.

Drove to Langley with dad and he went into one store and I went to Value Village.  He came to look for me and was annoyed when he couldn't find me.  I think he should have looked at the book section because that is where I was.  There was a little chair there so I was completely happy not knowing he is becoming frustrated not finding me and thinking I had left the store.  Silly man! !!  I was happy because I did not know I was lost, just like the two times as a child I wandered from home and was picked up by the police and taken home to anxious parents;  the second time I ended up at the police station being fed candies.

We went from there to Chapters where I had them look up God and Brain and there are several books.  I bought one called  "God's Brain".  Dad got an anti-god book   I probably should read it too.

My book "God's Brain" beautifully describes how belief, ritual and socialization within a closed group work together to help humans survive the stresses of everyday life."  This is what the back cover says.  But first I need to finish "Hope Will Find You" by Naomi Levy who was a Jewish rabbi, one of the first women rabbis, who has a seriously ill daughter who now takes all her energy and her faith leaves her and she feels lost and alone.    The voices in her head tell her nothing is going to change and her daughter will not be able to learn and develop as other children.  She goes from doctor to doctor seeking help.  She saw two such doctors, one that said her daughter had significant cognitive deficits and would not be able to learn.  Namomi thinks of the picture she showed her daughter of a young Pakistani woman bedecked in white robes against a clear blue sky.  She said to her mother, "The woman is dressed in clouds".

The next doctor was realistic and did not have high hopes but told Naomi, "Your daughter has a spark"; and she had never encountered a child quite like her.

I am visiting several people, whom have lived interesting and exciting lives, but the spark is slowly dying.  One whispers to God at night to take her home she is just plain tired; the other is full of anger and bitterness and is trapped in his ailing body and even sicker mind.

The difference is the one is still interested in other people and visiting her cheers you up. 

I have a great compassion for anyone who battles fatigue because I know many people do.  I am so fortunate when I am tired I can enjoy a walk or just being in my yard telling my flowers to grow and tell the weeds to stop growing.

"Who is the wise person?  The one who can see the new moon in the dark night".  A Jewish teaching.

Spiritually I find new life igniting the spark of faith within me that never goes out.  I can't change the world but maybe I can help others whose spark is fading away. 

We will be going to Gracepoint Church today and then to Carol and Panteli's for supper.

THE BRAIN

I had one of those nights when my brain just would not turn off, even my dreams were complicated, so there I was wide awake at 4 o'clock. 

So I am thinking God must be like this huge brain that never sleeps.  The problem is that even the most brainy people on this planet earth cannot really understand God.  Before we went to bed we watched the rescue of the Chilean miners and it took a lot of experts in the field of drilling to finally succeed in bringing those miners up from the depths of the earth.  How to drill down through the hardest of rocks to make a funnel to bring them one by one back to their loved ones.  The whole world rejoiced!

This disaster could have been prevented if the structure of the mine had been built strong and safe.

Suffering is created by careless and thoughtless human beings and it is not apart of God's plan.  Yes, we often learn from our difficult experiences caused by our own stupidity or the failure of others to make this world a safe place.

Jesus was asked many ridiculous questions about the will of God that seemed more like a curse than a blessing.  Why was the man born blind did he sin or did his parents?  The answer was revealed by the healing touch of Jesus.

The words of Jesus have been translated for us so that even as we put our faith in his words of truth we have to search for the right interpretation.  We read these words with our own conceived ideas about truth and about the will of God.  We have our own inner struggles with right and wrong and Jesus reveals the power of good that heals and sets us free.  This is the Kingdom of God.

A SUNNY DAY

The only trouble with all this sunshine is that it shows up how dusty our place is.  Also lots of pine needles and leaves come trailing in on our shoes.  It is good when some one comes to visit and I get busy cleaning and dusting.

Donna Ateah came this morning and we had a great visit catching up on all the family news.  She brought us some farm fresh eggs and a vegtable that looks like a squash.  We will not have it to-night as we are going to Dave Plett's 70 birthday party at Colebrook church.  Should be fun.

Dad had to leave to have a M.R.I. on his knees which are now better, wouldn't you know it.
 It took over an hour to have both knees done and longer because the machine broke down for a few minutes.  It almost feels like you are putting your life into that machines hands as you slide deep inside and then it starts to shake and rattle.

Anyway it is good to have these things checked.

THE BLUEPRINT GOD

The blueprint God is the God that people believe has our lives planned out and who intervenes in answer to prayer.  This God gets blamed when bad things happen and He does not stop it.  People speak for God and tell others things like "God has His reasons" and "God is in control" and "God snatches children from us" and "God is punishing us for our sin" and "God is trying to teach us something".

Life is full of unexplained suffering and accidental  happenings that are beyond our control.  We have no words that can ease the pain that many experience, especially at  death of a child or a parent that dies early in life. 

People search for divine direction in things like Tarot cards or fortune telling and pull verses out of scripture to prove that they are right.  Down through the ages humans have searched and hunted and longed for the sacred; a feeling of awe and wonder that empowers the weak to become strong and the strong to become compassionate.

God revealed His love for us at the birth and death of His son.  God wants to make our lives better through His word of healing and compassion; but also He tells us we are responsible to help one another, to share our burdens and to bring hope to the hopeless.

There is a man at the Nursing Home who is completely absolutely negative and I am not surprised he does not believe in God.  He makes no effort to reach out to others but sits in his misery and his heart hardens.
He has had many great adventures flying planes but that means nothing to him now.  His daughter at one time lived on the streets and has had four children who have had no father.  Now their lives are a mess.

He admits he was an absent father and husband and that is why he has divorced three wives.  He blames them for robbing him of all his money and there is no love in him.  I am committed to visit him and listen to his misery and it is hard not to have some answer or words to cheer him up.  Maybe with time I will.

God is the scours of all power and His gift to us has been the freedom of choice.  This is the wisdom of the story about Adam and Eve that they were given choices.  They could trust God or listen to the lies that lie behind all temptation.

SILENCE

Your dad as he says good-bye to his two uncles who are leaving to fight for peace.  Today there will be a moment of silence as we remember all the soldiers who have died fighting for justice and liberation.

Clifford and William both died away from home when their lives should have just been beginning.

War is horrible beyond words and so many Innocent people die needlessly.  Fear drives the need to dominate  and control  and conquer. We look back on the battles that have been fought for our freedom and our peace and we remember all the lives of the families that were torn apart and loved ones killed.  So we who live on search to find meaning and purpose in our lives.

I know that I need to take time to be silent,
to renew soul energy and to deepen the inner spirituality that has a reverence for life
and a willingness to be compassionate and kind to those I find in my life.

 So a deeper appreciation of life and family and friends!

Today we had a walk in the forest, watched the Rembrance Day Service on T.V. and then I am now going to visit at the Nursing Care Home.

TEMPTATIOM

Feel free not to read.  I am just working through my thoughts on my Bible Study lesson that I am leading.

Now I think everyone has read the story of Adam and Eve tempted by the snake to eat the fruit, may have been an apple.  Why didn't I think to tell my children eat your broccoli and you will be wise like me or even wiser!

The temptation is to read into this mythical story, in which there is holy truth, the same things we have always believed.  This is suppose to be the reason we are all born sinners into a world of sinners.  I have no problem with knowing I make mistakes and that other people do as well.  When I got home from my chilly walk in the rain, which did stop, I was tired and hungry.  I would have liked to have been like the little Furbie that says feed me, feed me.  The potatoes were peeled by dad, as we actually had communicated by phone, so it really was not that long until everything else was cooked.  Thank God for fish that cooks quickly.

Would I be tempted if someone said "eat this" and I would know it all!  I think I would soon have no friends and my family would dread coming over to hear me tell them what they needed to hear and to do!  Actually, I often have ideas of what other people should do bu even though it is tempting to tell them I resist the urge.
The only way we grow in knowledge is through learning from others, learning from our experiences and being willing to acknowledge what I do not know.  Learning from those mistakes; like I just made posting on face book.  I have to admit I do not like to feel that I am being told what to do.  Maybe this is a sign of maturity or just cranky old age!  I did have a bossy older brother!

My temptation now is to become too bossy, by hey we all have out temptations!

What do I feel about God after reading this story.  Could I see Jesus sending me out of a beautiful garden into a cruel world where I would face pain and suffering, rejection and misery.  As I listen to the news and read the papers and hear politicians lie I realize that this is a cruel world where there is unfairness and disaster after disaster.  The whole thing is that we have brought so much of this on ourselves.  We were to take authority over this earth and over the creatures we share it with.

So many people blame God for the bad things that happen.  The important thing is to remember we do have choices and this is one of the things we see in this story,  We can be influenced by others telling us what we want to hear,  Poor choices that lead to hurtful actions or words will separate me from others and from the goodness of a God of love.

I think I want enough knowledge to feel that I can cope with life and I want to have faith in God's goodness.
I have known Him all my life and I know I need to know He is there for me to give me strength and courage.

I think it is time to look with new eyes; especially since we have the knowledge of the words of Jesus to guide us, at scripture realizing what we have come to believe is others interrupting it for us.  Compassion is what we all need to receive and to give.

Also I need to know that some one believes in me!

My plans for today are the Bible study and then tea with Shirley.

BRAVE

A stormy day.  Dad and I were both brave in our different ways.  He went to try out skating with his hockey gear and hockey stick.  I braved the stormy weather to walk to the bank.  Dad did okay but wants to keep going.  This is good.  It is a challenge and he likes challenges.

Even growing older is a challenge as I find I must accept my limitations, eyes that do not see as well, ears that find it hard to hear some times, and various aches and pains; but all things considered I am well. happy and healthy.

NOVEMBER

I can't believe it is Nov.  This little pond with the running water falling was so completely full of leaves the water had almost stopped.  I enjoyed raking up the pile of leaves and remembering how we like to run and jump in them.  A sunny day feels almost magical, even with the chilly mornings and darker nights.  Yes, the leaves are falling and fall is falling all around us.  It is time to wear warmer things and start thinking of presents for Christmas.

I think about the many people for whom Christmas means shopping and partying and I have always tried to make it a spiritually refilling time of meaning and grace.  As I visited Rosanna we talked about God and the Catholic Church and books she was reading.  Things she could not talk to her children about as they had no interest in Church or God.

I came home to the spare room filled with clothes that needed to be put away and papers that needed to be read or thrown away.  I cut out articles but do not get around to reading them.  Part of getting ready is decluttering the house and getting ready for the magic of candles and the red holly.  Pearle has a huge holly tree that we can bring home some branches.

Lots of thoughts go through my mind as I rake the leaves and enjoy the crisp air. 

Later as I sit to watch our video I feel very cold.  As I wrap a blanket around me that dad has got me I think this is just what God feels like to me.  A warm blanket that covers me and allows the warmth within me to keep me comfortable.  How we view God is of such importance and the wrong dogmas have taken the magic and the compassion out of our faith.  This is the One I welcome every day to be with me!

I also have to unclutter my thoughts and welcome peace that passes understanding to fill my soul!

GOODNESS

The last of the flowers climb up the trellis and totally surprised me.  Life is full of the happy moments that help me to let go of some of my feelings of frustration.  There are things I would like to do, and I will do, but it does not happen quickly.

Sunday was a good day from going to church, to having lunch at Milestones, to seeing Ken and melina and Matthew and Jasmine on skype, to having cheese cake at Cathy's home to celebrate Des's birthday.  Lots of hugs and plans to come and visit us.  We love to see them because we do so miss our grand children.  Had a good talk with Mary and Michael John and hope her cough is getting better.  They are busy and happy.

Dad is taking Ava out to lunch today so I won't have to worry about feeding him.  I picked up some gluten-free soup at Choices which I will enjoy!  I have some phoning to do to tell some one I am not interested in making a calender of my pictures.  It is just too much effort and she has too much energy for me.

I have to focus on my strengths and the happiness I bring to those I visit.  I find I get easily frustrated especially when i cannot find things, like the special card I had for Des.  I have seen it everyday when aIlook through my cards but now it has disappeared.  Probably I put it in a safe place.  I can relate to the busy little squirrels running around our yard on top of the fence as they busily hide food for the winter.  I hope they are better at finding it than I am.

Evidently Sandra and Randy needed me to help them find their way out of the Water-Shed Park.  Ha Ha
Actually Ken is the best one but he follows his same path which makes it easier.  I want to have a walk in there again soon while the nice weather lasts, maybe dad and I will go together.

A COLD DAY

A cold day to walk down to Zeller's for long underwear for me and the old fellow at the Nursing Home.

Our plans changed because the movie were not on in our theatre here and Randy was cooking supper and we were asked over.  There was even gluten-free chocolate cake with ice cream!

Dad watched the Lions play football and i had a big nap which I have been needing.

Plans are being made for next week-end of going to Chilliwack for the soccer and then to Harrison Hot Spring
It will be Panteli's birthday and Carol is planning a fun day for him and for us all.  I have not had a bathing suit on in years so I do not know about the swimming.  Dad will like the hot tub and i can walk arounfd the lake.
The stores are all decorated for Christmas already and I have decided to give family Christmas ornaments.  I want to keep it simple and inexpensive.  Dad and i do not want presents because we really have everything.!

Our goal is to try to keep healthy which also includes being happy  Dad took his first bike ride yesterday and I try to walk every day as always.  I am limiting myself to one activity a day whether it is visiting or Bible study or major work in the yard, or doing something with the family.

I am responsible for my own health and Iget over-tired so easily; I have always wished I could be more active, but have always needed my sleep.  I try not to get over-tired or over hungry both make me cranky.

Life can be exciting even at a slower pace.  Life seems to demand us to be conforming and to do what others expect of me, but those days are over now.  Dogs wag their tails and are so happy just to see us and that is a good lesson for me.  Also dogs love to play and I am happy for moments when I feel playful and when I enjoy the beauty I see on my simple walk.  I treasure every walk with Morgan as she still holds my hand but soon that time will be gone.  They all grow up so fast.  They move away and become busy with their own lives and that is the way it should be; but at times I miss them still.

EMOTIONAL ANCHORING

This is very important to me but something I often neglect in my life.; this thing called emotional anchoring.

 I love spending time with my family and being a grandmother and a great grandmother has been a rich blessing. 

I came home from celebrating Mary's 99 birthday with some of her family; down at the Nursing Home in White Rock.  A very beautiful place, more like a grand hotel..  Jane and I went together and it was a happy time even though Mary looked very frail sitting in her wheel-chair.  There were ballons and cake of course a real celebration.

Meanwhile dad had had a miserable day when his hockey bag, which he was trying to get down out of storage fell down on top of him, and the urge to go and try out his skates left him.  Instead he went off to the store where he shut the back door on his hand and it was a bloody mess.  I came home and he was determined to put up new outside light fixtures.  I would say that we were both emotionally drained and tired and hungry.

Food helped restore comfort to us both.

There is an old hymn that we sing that "I have an anchor for my soul" and although all of life is a tapestry into which is woven joy and sorrow, for me there has to be something that restores and renews me.  My faith and my family are the foundation that do this for me.

My little great grand daughter says to me as we sit outside among the falling leaves; "Why are the leaves falling?"  A good question about something we take so much for granted.  I explain that the tree that has been nourishing these leaves and providing them food now needs time to rest. "Oh" okay.  she says as she gathers more leaves to paste on her paper and then sits it in the sun to dry.

Today I hope we can go to a movie and eat out.  It has been a good week and looking ahead for next week I already have things I need to do.  I have not visited my neighbor in awhile so that will be one of my first decisions.  I may have to lead our Wed. Bible study which I had forgotten was coming up so quickly.

To-morrow I look forward to going to church and just listen and feel the love of all my friends.

A time for emotional and spiritual anchoring.

LONGINGS

                Spending time with children brings back memories of some of my childhood longings.

As a child I longed for a dog with all my heart and soul. I pleaded and begged my parents; but my dad definitely not a dog person was adamant in saying no.  Of course I on the other hand had no idea how much trouble a dog could be.  They chew everything but there bones they are suppose to, they want to be fed from the table where you eat, they want to sleep with you and if given freedom they will run off.

I read every dog book in the library and I would visit the neighborhood dogs regularly and I even dreamed about dogs.  This is why when we were first married I fell in love with the puppy I saw in the store window of the pet store.  I had a lot to learn about caring for a dog as I knew nothing about training him in any way.
I was upset because the first few nights it whined and cried and kept us awake.

Now I am back content to pet the neighbors dogs and put out little bones for them.  I realize the energy and time that is needed to care for an animal.  We have had many dogs as our children grew up and although children promise to care for them it was often left to me.  I have been on many walks with our four-legged friends.  I would agree with the lady we met at the hospital waiting room, who talked all about her dog, they are great companions and so loyal and they love you unconditionally.  They are completely happy when they are chasing a ball or sleeping at your feet.  They seem to read our minds and sense when we are not feeling well.  They trust us to feed them and care for them.

For me I often find myself questioning life and searching for meaning and significance.  These have to be cultivated daily.  Trust is an important ingredient in any relationship.   Daily we trust our lives to others and I am thankful for the trust I feel in a spiritual reality. I have tried to be trustworthy but have failed at times.  I am trusting in the Love that under girds my life.  I think we have mistakenly longed for perfection and happiness in earthly love and human relationships and we have been disappointed.   Our imperfections have been disappointing to us at times and yet we are continually learning what is important in life.  I have always been blind to the fact that Christians can fail us just as much as anyone else but now I see my mistake.

We all long for certain things that we feel will complete us and I believe that this is a spiritual gift that stirs up hope in our hearts.

THE SUNRISE

Another beautiful day.

EXCEPTIONAL

There are a few exceptional flowers that are still blooming.  Yesterday was an exceptionally warm and lovely day that just made you want to spend the whole day outside and enjoy it.  Theresa and Ben and Morgan came and Morgan sat outside and colour pictures and pasted leaves.  Ben played with Lego until we walked over to the park where I played with Morgan and Ben and dad played lacrosse.  Carol and Oliver were suppose to come but just Carol did as Oliver missed his ferry.  Theresa delivered a meal to her sick Auntie and had a short visit.

We ended the day at Bible study because the group will soon be losing two of our friends to Nelson and I know they still make an effort to make gluten-free goodies.  Everything is going so well for Deborah and Lane which is good after both being laid off work over a year ago.  They have sold here and bought there.  They are excited about their move.

Today dad has an appointment in White Rock and then we may drive to see Oliver in Tsawwassen and then back here to take Shirley to the Royal Colombian Hospital for an ultra sound.  Everything seems to happen on the same day but I was able to rest before we went out in the evening.

The memories add to our old memories that we have been viewing as dad changes the video's to D.V.D.s.
We are so blessed to have grandchildren and great grandchildren and every visit is exceptional and heart warming.

I am praying for energy today so that I can enjoy it.  The emotions that come when I see any of my children etc. just fills my soul with such love and thankfulness.  I feel a little like Morgan who leaves tearfully as she does not want to go I never like saying good-bye.

THE SHADOW

I am thankful for the shade that makes patterns

that change and move.

.

I like to think that I can still change.  The challenge in my life is to live with my imperfections and see that the love of God can absorb these into His Holiness and set me free to change what I can.

IMPORTANT

I sat in the sunlight of our front porch and was pleased that I had accomplished what I had thought was important for me to do that day.  We had done a big shopping at the Safeway which meant driving over instead of the walk in the pathway.  Groceries were all put away and a big pot of stew was cooking. 

It is good to have dad help me with these things now.

My energy is returning but I am aware that I need to co-operate with my personality which is to be open to helping others but that I am worthy and precious and loved on days when I rest in the shadows of life.  Life is full of both the shadows and the light, disappointment and fulfillment, failure and success.  There is a time to say yes and a time to say no.  I need to look within myself  and value what life has taught me so far and some of the lessons have been hard for me to learn. 

I have to learn to be more patient with myself and with others.  If I can listen to what my heart and soul are teaching me then I can listen to others with a heart of compassion.

BALANCE

The earth is in a state of balance at this time of gathering in the harvest.  It is now time for the earth to rest and the daylight shorten it's stay with us.  Last night sheets of rain poured down and we could hear it on the windows and in the fireplace.

I am in a place where I need to balance my activities with my energy.  There are good things that I would like to do but when I over do it my body lets me know.  I need to accept myself as I am and now I am regaining the balance with rest.  Restful thoughts and restful reading.  A good mystery would seem to be the right book at this time.

Meanwhile dad has started a new project that has messed up the kitchen with an extra T.V. and recorder etc. as he downloads the videos onto the D.V.D.s.  An amazing achievement because everything has to be just right or it will not work.  He succeeded with one but now our T.V. is acting strangely.  It is completely out of balance.

Looking at the world around me I see a lot of unbalance.  There is poverty, sickness, killing and destruction.
The Jewish have a mystical explanation that when God created the world He sent his holy energy to flow into us.  It was too powerful and the soul shattered.  The good thing is that this holy energy is everywhere around us for us to discover and restore.